Forgiving Myself

One of the most precious gifts that Samuel has given me is perspective.  I've experienced what it's like to have a child with special needs.  I know what it's like to lose a pregnancy and to feel betrayed by my own body.  I've watched and waited, hoped and prayed.  I've cried like never before.  I know to appreciate the little things and to REJOICE in the big things.  I've felt angry, hurt, frustrated, scared, thankful, and excited....simultaneously.  And I've had some tough conversations with God.

After all of that, I'm still gaining perspective.  That's the great thing about life isn't it?  Each new experience we have brings us one step closer to understanding someone else...or ourselves.

This new little sweet pea of ours is already teaching me things.  Over the last couple of months, I've become familiar with every pregnancy symptom imaginable.  And, as strange as it sounds, I'm really grateful for that.  After fifteen months of researching the possibility of another pregnancy, and half that time trying, I've had a very very small glimpse of how heartbreaking it is to have to be patient for something that comes so easily to others.  Precious, precious insight.

But perhaps the most cherished insight I've gained through this pregnancy is about myself.

I'll never be able to explain the guilt I've felt over Samuel's early birth.  I've replayed the days leading up to his delivery a thousand times in my head.  "I wish I had paid attention to my body."  "I wish I had gone into the emergency room sooner."  "How did I not KNOW?!?"  It's been so easy to beat myself up.

But I've been given some treasured gifts recently....heartburn, round ligament pain, an expanding uterus, morning sickness, etc.  What I had forgotten so quickly after Samuel's birth is that pregnancy isn't always comfortable, and as a first time mom, it was SO easy to dismiss those contractions as just another pregnancy pain.

And that my friends, is a pretty big revelation to me.  It means that after two years, I'm finally forgiving myself.

So bring on the heartburn, the nausea, the big belly, and the swollen ankles!!!!  You won't find another pregnant woman happier about it!