Eleanor Grace

Not too many months ago, I found myself surrounded by pregnant women.  Surrounded.  Suffocated.  Smothered.  Overwhelmed by.  I didn't know how to cope with the jealousy I was feeling.  I prayed about it a lot.  I tried to force myself to 'talk baby' with my pregnant friends.  When that didn't work, I resorted to putting distance between us so that I could avoid feeling jealous altogether. 

Then came the day that my brother and sister-in-law announced their pregnancy.  It's pretty tough to ignore family....and thank goodness I didn't feel the need to.  Surprising myself, I felt at peace with their announcement.  They learned that they would be having a little girl and decided to name her Eleanor - meaning 'shining light'.

Pregnancies came and went - healthy babies sent home with happy parents.  And me...still ignoring it all.

But dear sweet Eleanor changed everything.  This morning we welcomed Samuel's third cousin into the world at 11:35am.  She weighed a solid 7 lbs 14oz and looked every bit the part of a rosy-cheeked cherub.

I'd been prepping myself for this day.  Would I be jealous?  Would it be miserable knowing that Samuel should have been born at the beginning of July too?  Would I be jealous that they will never have to worry about their child's future the way I have with Samuel?

My mind buzzed all the way to the hospital, right up to the point that Eleanor was placed in my arms.  And then...nothing.  I felt none of the things I thought I would feel.  None of the things I had been feeling for months.  I felt happy for them.  So happy for a beautiful girl with a head full of hair.  Thankful that instead of thinking, "OH MY GOSH, she's HUGE compared to what Samuel was!" I thought, "Oh my goodness, she is so tiny and precious!"

Eleanor Grace, you are truly my 'shining light'.  You have proven to me that God IS healing my heart...and you have given me hope that one day, it will be made whole again.