The time for those stories came when we made it home from ACH. I googled and read story after story....looked at picture after picture....blog post after blog post and came across a few stories that caught my attention.
I know I don't have to tell you....this is hard and it's taken a long time to work through it. I wish I could say that I'm completely over it. Some days it only takes an insensitive conversation with someone, a news broadcast about a sick child, a glowing pregnant woman, a bad day with Samuel....and my feet are knocked out from under me. I have to pick myself back up, pray for peace and healing, and keep going. I wonder if being a mom makes you feel things more acutely?
After a time, I found a few blogs about micropreemies born at 24 weeks - the same as Samuel. It's nice to read from the hearts of other moms who have experienced parenthood the same way we have. Women who know the uncertainty and stress of raising a child far more complicated than the average. A child who has the odds stacked against it.
Ironically, I've learned a lot about myself from these women who write. Or rather, I've learned how I don't want to BECOME. I can't tell you how easy it would be to look at the world from our perspective and become REALLY bitter.....and that's exactly what these women are. After YEARS. Of course they love their children, but they are also SO SO SO sad and hurt over the early birth and the following complications. As much as I can relate to them, I DON'T want to be like them. I want to find healing for all of this and I WANT to move on. I don't want my happiness to be directly determined by Samuel's health. I want to have and show God's joy and peace. I want contentment.
Contentment has been something that I've been focusing on recently. I've been reading verses related to the topic and one of my favorites comes from Philippians - Paul is writing from prison...
"...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."
I want to TOTALLY rely on God's strength...His mercy...and His plan for us. I want to be truly content with this life. Until then, I am at the very least THANKFUL and HOPEFUL.....both of which come from Him too.