Tuesday, June 1, 2010

The Note

The nurses were replacing the tubes in his mouth so I wiggled in and a got a picture without the tape all over his face. His poor little head is misshapen because of always sleeping on his belly. It's hard for him to breathe on his back so the sides of his head are flat.

Day 74
Weight: 3 lbs 5 oz
We gained the extra ounce! I'd like to say that I'm at the hospital and dressing him in his cute little preemie clothes now that he weighs enough for that.....but I'm not. Once again, I've decided to take a break and go home for a couple of days.
Samuel has been consistent with his 'events' (his heartrate drops and oxygen level drops.) He had several bradies (heartrate drops) and desats (oxygen drops) yesterday and last night - but were generally only if the nurse tried to ween him below 23% oxygen. Carolyn told me this morning that she tried weening him only 1% and he began to desat. That's ok though. 21% is the amount of oxygen in the air that we breathe - so he's not far off! His doctors went down on his flow from 2 liters to 1.5 liters today.
The main concern today is that Samuel is having a lot of fluid come up out of his OG tube. The OG tube is a tube that they have put in his stomach to vent any extra air or fluid that might be in his belly. Samuel's feeding tube is put further down into his intestines. Essentially, some of the milk that they are giving him is coming back up into his stomach. This CAN be a sign of a bowel perforation - but he isn't having any other symptoms. They have done several x-rays and are checking his belly to make sure it is still soft and that he has bowel sounds.
Samuel's doctor decided to bump up the calories in the milk. He added an oil substance that will provide more fat. Adding extra calories can be hard on the intestines - so couple that with the fluid that is coming back up and you've got a precarious situation. His doctor also said that he would like to wait until Samuel weighs 3 lbs 14 oz before feeding him through his stomach. 9 more ounces to go.
Yesterday I held Samuel for the first time like a baby. Michael held him that way a week or two ago but I had only held Samuel skin-to-skin. It was more difficult to hold him than I had imagined. There isn't much to hold on to!
Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to have had a baby normally. To have waddled around with the big pregnant belly. To have given birth and held him - kissed him right away and told him how much I love him. To think he was the most beautiful thing that I'd ever seen. What it would be like to have taken him home the next day - to hear him cry and change his diaper and think to myself, "Won't you ever sleep!!!"
But at the same time, I think "How blessed am I!" to have had this child when I was told I wouldn't be able to. Since I found out I was pregnant, I've given God the glory for that. When I had Samuel, and he was born alive, I gave Him the glory for that too. And so it continued: after the bowel perforation, the abdominal tube, the heart surgery, the brain bleed, the chest tube, PIE, the collapsing of the lungs, renal failure..... At times I would pray, "OK God. Enough showing off now. We get it." But truly - How GREAT our God is.....no matter where we go from here, it's awesome to see His hand in what has happened.

I wrote this note on Facebook on March 14th. 5 days before Samuel was born:

I know that everyone must think that their pregnancy is a miracle - and granted...just the fact that God made humans the way He did really IS a miracle. Everything about it. I get it. Yes. Miraculous.
Pregnant people sometimes irritate me. Sometimes I irritate myself. Sometime I would rather NOT talk about it....I mean, there are plenty of other topics to discuss right? SO many other things going on in my life besides this.
However, you will have to indulge me in the times that I do talk about it. After having cancer, I was told that I wouldn't be able to have children. I've worried about it A LOT. A great number of decisions in my life revolved around something that I was told I wouldn't be able to do.
The guys I dated - would they want to marry me if they knew I wouldn't be able to have children? Having to tell them about it and then thinking I was shorting them of something that everyone should experience. Yes, that's a little dramatic, but it was something to worry about.
And then deciding what I should do with my life....was teaching the right choice? Should I really spend so much time with kids if I was never going to be able to experience having one of my own? What should I say to a parent who tells me that I don't understand because I don't
have children. "Yes, your right. And I never will."
What an unbelievable blessing this is. Miraculous. It makes me feel stupid for having worried about it all these years. I feel like I've lived up to my name....Sarah - who laughed when God told her she would have a child.
But God still gave me my miracle. Thank goodness.

1 comment:

  1. Sarah, I don't think God is showing off, I believe is is just constantly reminding us of just how powerful, awesome and mighty HE is! And, yes, thank goodness for your miracle! Thank goodness for you, thank goodness for all the lives you have touched and thank goodness for me! Your journey has given me just a glimpse of what motherhood is going to be like (and soon....just 7 more weeks!)--thinking no one could possibly love my child more than me (sometimes, even God), cringing at the thought of someone else caring for my child and wanting everything to be absolutely perfect for my child. I've been able to experience these same feelings with you--and I pray that I will take heart to the lessons I have learned--that God is the best parent for my child and that no one-absolutely no one-could love my baby more than HE does! We continue to pray for you, Michael and baby Samuel!

    On a lighter note...the waddling thing...not so fun.