Not Viable

There's something distinctly intimidating about being approached by a pair of doctors bearing news.  Is the extra support for one of them or do they think I will need the support when they deliver their news?

They sit down on my hospital bed and look at me with sad eyes.  Ugh.  It's for me.

-  -  -

A year ago today, and only 19 weeks along with Annalee, we watched the waves of contractions on the uterine monitor at Willow Creek Women's Hospital.  Although we were scared, I felt fairly confident that they could do something to slow the contractions.

But after six hours of hydration and sedation, my confidence was gone.  Instead of slowing, the contractions had actually picked up in intensity and were much more defined.

That's when they came in...those two very kind doctors.  One held my hand and the other put her hand on my leg.  Oh man.  This is going to be bad. 

 They explained that the contractions had begun as 'uterine irritability' but had become more pronounced as the night had progressed. Ok, got that...next please.  Then, they said they were going to send me home.  There was nothing more they could do.  "Do you understand what we are saying?" she said.

"She's not viable." I choked out.

"I'm so sorry."  "You're familiar with this?"  

"Our son was a 24 weeker."  

I think that's when she realized how much we really understood about the situation we were in.  We knew how bad this was.

One doctor assured me that he would be on call the following two days.  You think it will be so soon?  And the other doctor walked me out to the car with tears in her eyes.  "I'll be praying for you." she said.

I crawled into the back of the car and we drove home in silence.

God, what more could we have done?
This poor baby...why did we do this?

How can I deliver a 20 week baby and know that it won't live?

Please God, give us more time.

And He did.  He gave us four more weeks to viability.  Then four more weeks to a more 'safe' gestation.  And four MORE weeks to that 32 week gestation goal...my original hope for the pregnancy.

For whatever reason, despite the contractions...the complications...the tears...the doubts, we were given this precious gift.  This beautiful little girl who has been such a joy.  

God, thank you for another miracle!