Tuesday morning my cervical length was measured at my regular doctor's appointment. It had shortened significantly - down to 1.7cm from 2.8cm. With the increase in contractions, the short cervix, and the positive test, my doctor felt that admitting me to UAMS was crucial.
Since Tuesday, I have been trying to rest through the contractions. I am not being given the medicines that delay/slow/stop labor yet. They are waiting until I dilate to give them so that we have enough time to get the steroid shots for Annalee's lungs.
There's a lot of pressure for me to get the timing right on all of this. My body does not seem to follow the normal pattern of labor and everyone is a bit unsure of how to tell me when the right time for the meds will be. In theory, the contractions should only increase in intensity until delivery. As of now, I can contract every minute for several hours, then every twenty minutes for the hour after that...and so on.
We are doing our best to take things one day at a time. I am overwhelmed, sad, and ashamed that we are in this situation again despite all the research we did before becoming pregnant. But at the end of the day, those feelings don't matter much. This isn't over. Annalee is safe for right now and we have every reason to be thankful for that.
There is no reason to be ashamed. You did the best that you could, researched, consulted the best specialists in your area, and made a reasoned decision. Even if Annalee comes early, this isn't your fault and she shouldn't be denied a life because of something that couldn't be predicted with certainty.
ReplyDeleteHang in there and I'm guessing it's a good sign that the contractions slow down regularly.
Prayers and good thoughts your way.
Sarah Suzanne, there is no shame! I am praying for God's will for your sweet family! And peace, peace, peace like only God can give to wash over you. I'm also praying for good rest...and for Samuel...and for Annalee's lungs...for wisdom for the doctors...and for your cervix, ha! To God be the glory! Love you!
ReplyDeleteWe are with you all the way Sarah.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are in the situation again. I sat in the hospital for several weeks having contractions, I know how hard and frustrating and disheartening it is. But as you already know, preemies are fighters! I'm sure you already know this, but just take it one hour at a time. You are in my thoughts and prayers and hoping little Annalee stays in there awhile longer!!
ReplyDeleteSweet Sarah..the first thing you MUST do is stop putting pressure on yourself. Your body is doing what it is doing and there is NOTHING you can do about it, except try to stay as grounded and calm as possible, which is a job in it's self. There is ABSOLUTELY NO reason to feel ashamed...you have done nothing wrong, and have tried to do everything right with the best advice and information you could possibly have. You have put so much prayer, research and effort into doing everything right that it is mind-boggling. Stay strong sweetheart...God is in control and only the enemy wants you to feel guilty. I am praying peace and strength cover you. I am praying the Lord's assurance erases all the enemy's attacks on your spirit and mind and mostly I am praying God keep His hand upon you and Annalee, covering you both with protection, healing and calm. Rest in HIM and know He has a plan. Love you so very much!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI came across your blog recently and have been waiting on an update! I am a speech-language pathologist and have been very amazed at Samuel's progress through the years. I am praying for Annalee and your family at this point.
ReplyDeleteDo not blame yourself..God is in control... call text email if you need.. We love you and are praying for all of you.
ReplyDeleteSara and Family, I have been keeping you all in my prayers. Please so not feel any shame. You can not control what is happening. You went above and beyond in consulting the Dr's/specialists you spoke with. Your just a mommy who wanted another little one to bring into your family to love...no shame in that at all!
ReplyDeleteI keep you in my prayers!
I continue to pray for your and for your sweet little girl....as most have all stated - no need to be ashamed - let that feeling go. positive thoughts! Just think - you're TWO days away from 25 weeks! YEEHAW!!! Hang in there - we're all praying for you!!!!
ReplyDeleteIf the doctors did not see this coming, how could you? It is not your fault, and you are doing your very best like the doctors are.
ReplyDeletesweet girl, you have no reason to be ashamed. you are an amazing mom and you thought carefully before getting pregnant. God allowed you to get pregnant and He created Annalee's place in your family. i can't imagine what you are feeling, just don't want you to blame yourself. i think you are doing great! so many people are praying for more time and your family is so so loved.
ReplyDeleteSara,
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you, your family, and sweet Annalee! Please don't blame yourself. Sometimes no matter what the specialist say, your body and God are doing this to protect you. Take solis in knowing that maybe this is God's way of keeping you here for your precious babies. My doctor tried to induce me in May and my body did not respond. Thank God because my son had the cord wrapped around his precious neck 3 Times! If I had been allowed to push than we would have lost him. I'm so thankful that God did not let my body respond and that I had a c- section. He works in mysterious ways. I pray for you often and I will continue to check your blog for updates.
Peace and prayers for you and little Annalee.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to echo everyone else--there is nothing to be ashamed of. Despite all the things we know about the human body, there is a lot of mystery and sometimes there are no answers, it just is. You are doing the very best you can and that is something to be very very proud of.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter was born with heart defects that led to heart failure and open heart surgery (she is doing well now!). Many people's first response is "what did you do wrong?!?" There is such pressure for us, as mothers, to take on the responsibility and guilt for things that are out of our hands. And it is hard to set it aside! One of Izzy's doctors volunteered some advive early on in our journey: Don't take on guilt for something that just happens because that is energy you need to take care of your daughter. He was right :) Her condition was not under my control so it was time to let the guilt fly away so I had more energy to focus on her.
In the end, early labor is out of your control so let that shame and guilt fly away. You have far more important things to use that energy for {{hugs}}
I know your stress level must be through the roof. Please know we're thinking of you! And good news- this babe is "older" than Samuel was at birth, right? That's big! Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI understand your shame. I have had nothing but problem pregnancies, but it didn't stop me from believing that I could have a successful one. After all, that is what the doctors told me. I did everything I was told, did everything right, but still had a 9.6 ounce baby.
ReplyDeleteKenna is the light of our life. It has been challenging, but I knew what we were in for because of past preemies. It was worth every bit of the six months we spent in the NICU.
Don't beat yourself up and don't listen to critics. Keep those with big open hearts close. And if you ever feel low and have doubts, don't be afraid to reach out. I'll be thinking of you.
Much love.
No need to be ashamed sweetheart. You've created two precious lives, be proud.
ReplyDeletePrayers and thoughts are with you all, xxx
I'm glad to hear Annalee has stayed put so far. It sounds like she is already a fighter! She's been hanging on for a while now like a real champion - almost to 25 weeks. That's great news that you aren't dilated yet. I don't know the protocol, but I can imagine how stressful it is to decide the right timing for the magnesium sulfate and the steroid shots. When I went in, I had the opposite than you - my cervical length was good but I was dilated to a 2. They gave me the meds and steroid shots right away. Like I said, I don't know the protocol, but I am praying for wisdom for your doctors, peace for you and your husband, and strength for little Annalee.
ReplyDeleteI have been following your journey through Lisa Lacefield. You and your family are in my heart. Positive thoughts sent your way often. Agree with everyone who is saying that none of this is your "fault". Continue to try to take care of You so when Annalee is born you will be able to care for HER.
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking time to update. I have been praying. And I will continue to do so. God Bless
ReplyDeletePraying for you. I know how hard life in the NICU can be. Micro preemies hold a special place in our heart. Whatever the future holds, please know there are a lot if people praying for you, supporting you, and who genuinely care for you.
ReplyDeleteDear Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI am a mum of a 26 weeker, born in August 2010. We live in London, UK. I have been visiting your blog from time to time after I watched the video of Samuel's story on youtube. I am so happy that Samuel is doing well, you have an amazing son. My son Gabriel is also developing well and we just celebrated his 2 years corrected birthday.
I do not visit your blog often, the last time when you announced you were pregnant. I crossed my fingers for you then. I am praying that you will manage to hold on and that you will remain as calm as the situation allows. There is a website where I found a lot of research- and experience-based information, support, and hope. It is called www.inspire.com and they have a section for preemie parents. My nickname is Gabriel2010, you can read our story there if you wish. I often read there about situations where mums would go into labor, but with care and wise medical decisions their labor would be stopped. I hope this will be your outcome. Please do not despair, Annalee is still safe and every hour and day work in your favor. I am praying that you both win this battle, and I know you will keep on fighting.
With best wishes,
Paulina
Sara, like the others said, there is no need to feel ashamed. No one can foresee something like this happening again. Hang in there. Get lots of rest. Take comfort in knowing that many people are praying for both you and Annalee.
ReplyDeleteI've never commented here before but y'all seem like such nice people. Only good thoughts for your little girl.
ReplyDeletePlease be gentle with yourself. Continuing to pray.
ReplyDeleteThank you for updating, Sarah. You girls are both fighters and you are a great mother. Stay strong for your little daughter and trust God.
ReplyDeletePraying for you!!!! My husband and I lost our twins in September due to IC and I know the feeling of feeling hopeless, but you have so much hope and you are past a critical mark!!! You can do this just keep believing!!!!
ReplyDeleteHi! I'm praying for you...somehow I saw your blog post, one of my friends liked it on FB and I read what is going on. I had 23 week twins in February, we lost one, Titus, but the other, Asher is doing very well. Your story hits me in a tender spot as we hope to have more kids one day. I am praying for your baby girl to stay put! I also was on bedrest for about 5 weeks, so I know how that can be too. We had friends give us verses they liked, or thought we might like, and we posted them on the wall all around the room. It really helped me to see Truth when my heart and mind were weak with fear and worry. We have a blog as well, (bryanandrobynadams.blogspot.com) and I noticed we follow some of the same preemies! I have emailed with Pierce's mom, and have followed Jack's story as well. The preemie mom world is smaller than I thought! So, just wanted to let you know I'm praying!!!
ReplyDeleteStill praying for you and Annalee. I hope things are going well and that your baby girl can stay in there a little bit longer.
ReplyDeleteCandace
I was wondering if there is an address I could send a little thought to? If there is, you can email me directly - heatherbowe@gmail.com. Thinking of you all - praying things are stable...xx Heather
ReplyDeletepraying for a smooth cross over the twenty eight week mark and beyond, also for peace of mind.
ReplyDeleteI hope the lack of updates means good things!
ReplyDeleteI do too. I check every day to see how things are going. My thoughts are with the family.
DeletePraise the Lord for still being pregnant!!!!! Keep it up Annalee!! :) can't wait to hear an update!! and see some expanding belly pics! :)
ReplyDeleteI check here every day.. I hope you are doing okay.
ReplyDeleteI check every day too. I'm hoping that no news is good news :)
DeleteAccording to her facebook, she is still pregnant! 27 weeks! But still contracting.
ReplyDeleteHello Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI am not a mom, but I am someone with a lot of experience being a medical patient, and being in a situation where every minute could bring another challenge. My message to you comes from my open heart. My desire is that my experiences as a chronically ill person can help others.
I am simply asking you to take a moment as you read this. It won't take long, I promise. I am asking you to trust me, a stranger, for the next few minutes.
1. I am going to ask you to close your eyes for ten seconds and then open them.
Did you do it? Are your eyes open now?
Now ask yourself, what came through your mind in those ten seconds? I'm guessing a whole bunch of emotions, worries and information came flooding at once.
2. Okay, I now want you to close your eyes again for another ten seconds and then open them, but during that time, focus on two things: WHERE YOU ARE, and WHAT YOU ARE DOING at the exact moment.
Did you do it? Are your eyes open now?
What I hope went through your mind are two simple thoughts - I am (in bed, in the hospital, in a chair). I am feeling X.
3. Now, I want you to close your eyes for another 10 seconds and then open them, and during that time, I want you to think about what you need to do to get through the next 10 minutes. (It could be to suffer through the next contraction, to ready for medication administration, ask the nurse a question, etc.)
Did you do it? Are your eyes open now?
What thoughts went through your head? Did you formulate a plan as to how you will get to the next ten minutes?
---------------
The point of this little exercise:
What I hope for you is that during times when you are stressed and worried about where your situation is going, that you can take life at a minute, or ten minutes, or an hour at a time. This exercise can help you with any time frame - even days or weeks, but I find that it helps most when you are dealing with the the unknown and change that can happen at any possible moment.
I would love to know if you tried this and what you thought. If you didn't think it helped, I'd like to know, too. Good luck to you and your family.
- "T"