A Year Ago

This is THE WEEK.  The week it all began.  A year ago today, at this time, I was being airlifted to UAMS.  We had been told all of the horrible statistics.  I had been given all of the medicines available.  I hadn't moved an inch all day.

I was still going to have that baby. 

Last night I couldn't sleep.  My mind kept going over every minute of the year before....when I had sat on the couch, all night, having contractions and doing nothing about it.  Why was I so stupid?

I suppose all of this was inevitable....reliving stressful moments of the past year.  I can't help but think, "What if we had just...."  "If only we had...." "I wish we would have...."  I'm thankful that this isn't the first time that I've dealt with those questions.  It makes it easier to celebrate this week instead of mourn it.

I know I'm talking as if there was a death.  And I know a few people (my tough, steady, honest dad included) that would prefer that I don't think about it.....after all, Samuel lived and has so few issues.  It's just that, in a way, there was a death.  A death of a pregnancy and expectation.  Congratulations were not called for.  Prayer was needed in place of rejoicing.

What would Samuel have been like full term?  Would he look like he does now?  Would he be bigger?  What would it sound like to hear him laugh?  What would it be like to not hear the whir of the oxygen concentrator or the beeping of the monitor over the baby monitor at night?  What would it be like to feed him easily?  What would it be like to see him meet a VAST number of milestones in one year?  So many questions I'll never know the answer to.

Now that I've said all of this, you must know that it is only part of what is going on in my head this week.  I can't tell you how many times I've been overwhelmed with thankfulness to the point of tears.  Just after Samuel was born I vividly remember saying over and over "I wish I could fast-forward a year.  I wish I could know that everything is going to be ok and that he will be perfect and that our lives will return to some form of normalcy." 

Here we are a year later.  Samuel is more perfect, more beautiful, and more amazing than I ever imagined.  No, our lives have not returned to 'normal.'  I doubt they ever will!  No matter what I've given up......my job, my social life, time out of the house, showers, sleep, free time....it's all inexplicably worth it.

It's truly amazing that this week a year ago could hold so much pain and that this week this year holds so much JOY.  HE knew all along.

For the full story, go *here*